In 2012, it became acceptable to talk about sex.
‘Mummy-porn’ transcended economic and educational status and everyone was
talking about BDSM (bondage, domination, and
sado-masochism). The new normality diminished
people’s defenses and awkwardness. It facilitated communication and
experimentation. It freed people up. The similarities to therapy are
noteworthy.
Inevitably, Fifty
Shades of Grey¹ began to filter into adolescent’s therapy sessions. I found
young readers’ responses uncomfortable. They weren’t fazed by depictions of
BDSM because they’d been there, done that. Fair enough. While sexual
experimentation is to be expected, whatever form it takes, of concern is the
idealisation of the ‘Fifty Shades’ relationship and its effect on adolescent
liaisons.
Fifty Shades is essentially a romance between 22-year-old graduate Ana and 27-year-old businessman Christian.
Adolescents can aspire to this without stretching the realms of possibility too
far. It’s akin to the crush-on-a-teacher scenario; a naïve partner seduced by a
sexually experienced authority figure. Christian is obscenely wealthy and
turned on by controlling Ana, a physically and emotionally pliable virgin who
is sexually up for anything. Their story depicts a common fantasy.
But many adolescents slip unwittingly into roles carved out
by controlling partners, and into sexual relationships which are abusive.
Social learning theory conditions them into believing that if they consent to
whatever fantasy their partner suggests they will be rewarded with a grown-up,
stimulating relationship. Christian is gorgeous, rich and powerful and uses his
assets to stalk and control Ana who, despite her reservations, gives in easily.
My clients give in easily too. I’ve heard from many who allow themselves to be
controlled, sexually or otherwise. For them, the power imbalance and sense of
danger is a turn-on. They have a dysfunctional and damaging model of
relationships which tells them they must control or be controlled.
When I discussed my anxieties with a colleague, they were
horrified. Not by my clinical observations, but that girls as young as 13 were
indulging in ‘clit-lit’ and BDSM. We can’t pretend this isn’t happening;
ignorance is not bliss. Young people view porn and read erotica. This forms
part of their sexual education. We have to be ready to explore and reflect with
them about all kinds of sex and relationships. We must not abuse them further
with judgement or ignorance but rather acknowledge their defences and manage
their awkwardness (and our own) in order to free them up and facilitate
communication, however uncomfortable this might be.
1.
E.L. James, Fifty Shade of Grey, 2011,
Vintage Books
Published in BACP Children & Young People December 2012
Published in BACP Children & Young People December 2012
